Man, oh, man.
What a crazy month it has been.
Already, prior to today, my step-grandpa passed away, Santeno turned fifteen, my grandma's dementia has progressed, I quit my job at The Fowler Center, and Gino turned twenty-sixth.
Today, my grandpa was diagnosed with cancer. It hadn't really sunk in until just now as I typed it. I'm sitting here, crying, wondering how in the world all of this is happening to me at once. My grandpa has always, always, always been there for me. When I was eight, I thought I lost him. This spring, I thought I lost him again when his first pacemaker failed. My world stopped both times. Not only am I trying to understand how all of this could happen to me, but how can I be so selfish? My grandpa is ninety years old, he has lived a long life. I have had the blessing of knowing and having a quality relationship with my grandpa for the entire eighteen and a half years that I have walked this earth. Not everybody is able to say this. My own grandpa, never knew either of his grandpas. At the same time, I refuse to give up. He has yet to see an oncologist so tomorrow I will go to his house and make sure he is making appointments and taking care of business. He is a stubborn man, but I will not let him go that easily. He is a fighter after all. Most importantly, I cannot lose hope so early- or ever. All we know right now is that he has a cancerous sore on his ear.
As I was sitting here, watching Grey's Anatomy and doing just about anything to keep my mind off of what's really happening, my grandma Rita (grandpa's ex-wife) calls. Why is she calling, you ask? Because she has heard about grandpa. My entire life I have witnessed these two adults refuse to admit that they are still in love with each other. Grandma divorced grandpa long ago, in 1971 to be exact, and grandpa never forgave her. But they still love each other! How tragic to spend half of your lifetime, knowing who you're meant to be with, but being too stubborn to get them back.
I hope and pray that I will never put myself into a similar situation.
Speaking of which, I am at quite a loss as to what to do, let alone what is going on, with my own love life. The stupid guy who I went through all of that drama with last winter is talking to me again. Do I give him another chance- even if I know he recently Skyped another girl? And knowing him, she and I aren't the only ones he's talking to. But it's not like we're in an actual relationship, especially not an exclusive one, so what I am supposed to do? Do I have the right to be upset? Gah, I just don't know what to do, or what I want.
One thing I know for sure, is that the only thing I've ever truly dreamed of being is a wife and mother. Seeing as I'm still single, would not giving him a second chance also be throwing away my first (and possibly only, no one else seems interested) chance to get what I've always wanted (much further down the road, of course)?
Obviously, I'm in need of a lot of prayer over here.
