"To hell with you and all your friends"

As I sat alone in my dark basement watching "Grey's Anatomy" I had a revelation. As Meredith and Christina say, I am dark and twisty. Somewhere along the lines I entered denial; I believe it was right around half way through my freshman year of high school when my dad first robbed that gas station. I guess I just got sick of the pitiful circumstances that seemed to keep piling up, each on top of the other. I was born into a wonderful but very dysfunctional family. I became dark and twisty prior to my parents' messy divorce at the beginning of fourth grade. In fact, if I had to pinpoint the day in my history when I lost the naivety of childhood, it would be the day I learned to take my dad's blood sugar and give him shots of insulin- I was nine years old. Five years down the road I decided to pretend my life was how it should have been. I went from attending school three days a week to having perfect attendance (right up until the second semester of senior year). I refused to follow the paths of my older brothers' and avoided partying at all costs. I could go on and on with the ways that I pretended to have control over my life, but that would get quite tedious rather quickly. My whole point is that it's been four years, almost as long as I spent in a dark place before going into denial, and it got me no where. I still have no control over my life. I am passive aggressive and keep everything bottled up inside. Even right now, I could call a number of friends but I'm posting an entry on a blog that continues to go unread aside from the days that I tell Brittany that I've updated. The sad reality is that my dad is in prison, my grandma has dementia, and my grandpa has cancer. On top of that, my best guy friend is engaged and apparently that means he has neither time for me nor the decency to at least respond to my text messages. My best friend is two and a half hours away living her dream- going to school, in love... While I am genuinely happy for her, I can't help but wonder why there seems to be no justice in the world. Which is quite ironic because the one thing that has gotten me through this life thus far is my faith in the Lord and I realize that He is justice which I simply cannot grasp or appreciate at this point. The man I thought was worth taking a chance on simply isn't looking for a relationship, just a certain type of companionship. Which is understandable given his current station in life, yet I'm still angry and torn. So I'm sitting here listening to depressing, angsty music trying to learn to appreciate who I am and the multitude of blessings in my life. Afterall, "Veggietales" taught me that "A thankful heart is a happy heart". Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and feel like the crushing weight resting on my shoulders is no longer there. Maybe I'll regain my sense of optimism and remember that all of these things are and always will be my history but that I don't have to let them define me, especially since they are things that have nothing to do with who I am. For now, I'm going to take a hot bath and use my eucalyptus spearmint sugar scrub for stress relief that my best friend gave to me last Christmas (or was it my birthday?...), read my Bible, and do a ton on praying that through Christ and determination I will discover the happiness and passion for life that I had as a young girl. Jesus, take the wheel. Title credit: "A Decade under the Influence" by Taking Back Sunday >>>I only just realized how befitting that song's title is for this post.

Old Habits Die Hard

Man, oh, man. What a crazy month it has been.

Already, prior to today, my step-grandpa passed away, Santeno turned fifteen, my grandma's dementia has progressed, I quit my job at The Fowler Center, and Gino turned twenty-sixth.

Today, my grandpa was diagnosed with cancer. It hadn't really sunk in until just now as I typed it. I'm sitting here, crying, wondering how in the world all of this is happening to me at once. My grandpa has always, always, always been there for me. When I was eight, I thought I lost him. This spring, I thought I lost him again when his first pacemaker failed. My world stopped both times. Not only am I trying to understand how all of this could happen to me, but how can I be so selfish? My grandpa is ninety years old, he has lived a long life. I have had the blessing of knowing and having a quality relationship with my grandpa for the entire eighteen and a half years that I have walked this earth. Not everybody is able to say this. My own grandpa, never knew either of his grandpas. At the same time, I refuse to give up. He has yet to see an oncologist so tomorrow I will go to his house and make sure he is making appointments and taking care of business. He is a stubborn man, but I will not let him go that easily. He is a fighter after all. Most importantly, I cannot lose hope so early- or ever. All we know right now is that he has a cancerous sore on his ear.

As I was sitting here, watching Grey's Anatomy and doing just about anything to keep my mind off of what's really happening, my grandma Rita (grandpa's ex-wife) calls. Why is she calling, you ask? Because she has heard about grandpa. My entire life I have witnessed these two adults refuse to admit that they are still in love with each other. Grandma divorced grandpa long ago, in 1971 to be exact, and grandpa never forgave her. But they still love each other! How tragic to spend half of your lifetime, knowing who you're meant to be with, but being too stubborn to get them back.

I hope and pray that I will never put myself into a similar situation. Speaking of which, I am at quite a loss as to what to do, let alone what is going on, with my own love life. The stupid guy who I went through all of that drama with last winter is talking to me again. Do I give him another chance- even if I know he recently Skyped another girl? And knowing him, she and I aren't the only ones he's talking to. But it's not like we're in an actual relationship, especially not an exclusive one, so what I am supposed to do? Do I have the right to be upset? Gah, I just don't know what to do, or what I want.

One thing I know for sure, is that the only thing I've ever truly dreamed of being is a wife and mother. Seeing as I'm still single, would not giving him a second chance also be throwing away my first (and possibly only, no one else seems interested) chance to get what I've always wanted (much further down the road, of course)?

Obviously, I'm in need of a lot of prayer over here.

Forgive AND Forget

So, I just finished watching "No Strings Attached" which turned out to be a lot better than I expected. Jsyk.

After my movie, I was on Twitter and decided to read my "favorite" tweets, this was the very first one: "Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. and forget about the ones who don't." As mentioned 2 posts ago (I believe...), I have forgiven this particular boy who has been causing chaos in my life. After a LONG, EMOtional day, I feel like I'm ready to "forget". Obviously, I can't actually just forget my feelings for him- POOF! If that's how this worked, life would be way too easy. However, I'm going to try my best to move on. I've waited this long already, I'm not going to give up my standards, morals, and beliefs for one immature "man". Maybe someday he'll be ready to actually seek something other than physical satisfaction from me, maybe someday he'll actually communicate his TRUE feelings for me, but maybe he won't. Either way, I'm not just going to sit here and wait around. Sooner or later, I've got to come across the right guy.

THANK YOU JESUS, FOR TAKING THE WHEEL, AS ALWAYS! ♥

"Are we growing up or just going down?"

Wow. Today has been a hard day. At the stroke of midnight, my heart began to pound as I pushed air through my noise maker and shot off my confetti popper because despite the great night I was having with some of my siblings, our friends and their grandparents, I felt utterly alone- and I have ever since.

I thought I was doing good about my whole unfortunate boy situation, but now I'm starting to feel pretty dang emo, like fifth grade all over again. I suddenly feel sad and found myself wondering- what's wrong with me? I had to mentally kick myself for having such thoughts because I know that I am a beautiful, loved daughter of God. This situation might suck, but it's certainly not my fault, nor is it in my control, sadly. The ball is in his court now. It's crazy how much energy I've spent today keeping myself from texting him, just to say hi. Which seems ridiculous because we're still friends, I mean, he's so oblivious that I'm not even sure he's noticed that I'm upset, but I feel like he needs to be the one to reach out next. He's home now, many states away, and it's as if I don't exist anymore. <--- That sentence should show how dramatic I'm being because he's only been gone for a day.

On Tuesdays I have youth group, and normally, on the first Tuesday of the month we split up, guys and girls, and us girls have girl talk/prayer time. Unfortunately for me, since I could obviously use that right now, this Tuesday is a service week. Which is great, but I could use all of the support I can get at the moment. Speaking of which, I am so thankful for those of my friends who I have talked about this with. Each and every one has been so insightful, thoughtful, and loving and I feel so blessed by them.

Jesus take the friggin wheel.

PS- My new car, which I have decided is a boy and named Dex, got TH0ROUGHLY cleaned today. I'll try to post a few pics soon. :)

Title credit: "Sophomore Slump or Comeback of the Year" by Fall Out Boy

2012

Happy New Year!
It's so crazy to think about how many huge changes are about to take place in my life. On the 10th, I'll be 18. On May 30th, I will graduate high school. More than likely, I will spend my entire summer working at a camp for disabled youth and adults. 2 days ago, I got my 2nd car- this one's not a hoopti! Crazy stuff.

On a different note, I want to feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. The man I have feelings for played me, and I've known him for my whole life. I should be in misery right now, but since the initial wave of anger has subsided, I just want to forgive him. I have so much care for him, it doesn't seem to matter that apparently (judging by his recent actions, since he wouldn't give me a straight answer) I don't matter. Maybe it's because of the immense support I'm receiving from my friends, some of whom seem to be more offended than me at this point. I wish I knew what feeling like this means, because I'm pretty damn sure it isn't normal to take it this way. I don't feel like telling my 5 brothers so they can "take care of him", I still want to be his friend, and I am not jealous of the other girls (3 that I know of, not that we were at all exclusive or anything). I'm obviously hurt, and I wish he would at least man up and apologize, but somehow, my feelings for him haven't changed.
Jesus take the wheel.

"Stay Together for the Kids"

It never ceases to amaze me how truly degrading and psychologically scarring divorce is. Not even everyone escapes with no physical deterioration! There are so, so many reasons why couples should avoid divorce, aside from the issue of morality. In my family alone the effects are flooring. My heart breaks every day when I think of my older brothers whom I love so dearly. They're truly amazing, yet they live totally unfulfilled lives. Obviously, no one can say the same thing wouldn't have happened if our parents had stayed together, but I'm pretty damn sure it is the main reason for it. Both have given up not only on the institution of marriage but on love as well. Not to mention, they lost their faith a long time ago. My younger brothers battle depression and aggression and my younger sister simply does not know what it's like to live with a father because she was so young when ours left. Personally, I had to go through anger management and therapy in FIFTH GRADE because I was so angry and depressed. It thoroughly sickens me, almost eight years after the fact, what divorce has done to my family and so many others. If your parents are still together, never take what you have for granted.


Gah! It felt good to rant.

"I know some soldiers in here"

Things I should be doing, right now:
-The dishes X(
-Calling my grandma
-Studying for finals

So here's the thing, I only have three more days, half days at that, remaining of my junior year of high school. I don't know what to think about that, it's really bittersweet. Obviously, it'll be great to be a senior, but then that's it, I'm done with high school. Which is something I definitely cannot wrap my head around right now.

A week from today, I am going to Cincinnati, Ohio with my youth group to "S.O.S." (Summer of Service) where we will spend a week performing service projects for the area and worshiping God. Two weeks from Thursday, I am leaving to go on vacation with my pastor's family. We will be going all over the place- Chicago, St. Louis, somewhere in northern Minnesota, Jackson, Wyoming... On August 11th-12th, I'm going to Indianapolis with marching band to see DCI (Drum Corps International)Quarterfinals at Lucas Oil Stadium. Then of course there's Interlochen the following week. Suffice to say that I'm going to be spending a lot of time on the road this summer.

Today, my good friend, Jake, left for Fort Stewart, GA. He is in the infantry and recently completed basic training at Fort Benning, GA (just like John in Dear John) and was stationed at Fort Stewart. Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers. He stopped by my school today to say goodbye, mainly to his sister (who happens to be my best friend), but I was the second one in the hallway. Here are some snapshots.





8 days until the official start of summer!
God bless.

Title credit: "Soldier" Destiny's Child featuring T.I. and Lil Wayne.