"To hell with you and all your friends"

As I sat alone in my dark basement watching "Grey's Anatomy" I had a revelation. As Meredith and Christina say, I am dark and twisty. Somewhere along the lines I entered denial; I believe it was right around half way through my freshman year of high school when my dad first robbed that gas station. I guess I just got sick of the pitiful circumstances that seemed to keep piling up, each on top of the other. I was born into a wonderful but very dysfunctional family. I became dark and twisty prior to my parents' messy divorce at the beginning of fourth grade. In fact, if I had to pinpoint the day in my history when I lost the naivety of childhood, it would be the day I learned to take my dad's blood sugar and give him shots of insulin- I was nine years old. Five years down the road I decided to pretend my life was how it should have been. I went from attending school three days a week to having perfect attendance (right up until the second semester of senior year). I refused to follow the paths of my older brothers' and avoided partying at all costs. I could go on and on with the ways that I pretended to have control over my life, but that would get quite tedious rather quickly. My whole point is that it's been four years, almost as long as I spent in a dark place before going into denial, and it got me no where. I still have no control over my life. I am passive aggressive and keep everything bottled up inside. Even right now, I could call a number of friends but I'm posting an entry on a blog that continues to go unread aside from the days that I tell Brittany that I've updated. The sad reality is that my dad is in prison, my grandma has dementia, and my grandpa has cancer. On top of that, my best guy friend is engaged and apparently that means he has neither time for me nor the decency to at least respond to my text messages. My best friend is two and a half hours away living her dream- going to school, in love... While I am genuinely happy for her, I can't help but wonder why there seems to be no justice in the world. Which is quite ironic because the one thing that has gotten me through this life thus far is my faith in the Lord and I realize that He is justice which I simply cannot grasp or appreciate at this point. The man I thought was worth taking a chance on simply isn't looking for a relationship, just a certain type of companionship. Which is understandable given his current station in life, yet I'm still angry and torn. So I'm sitting here listening to depressing, angsty music trying to learn to appreciate who I am and the multitude of blessings in my life. Afterall, "Veggietales" taught me that "A thankful heart is a happy heart". Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and feel like the crushing weight resting on my shoulders is no longer there. Maybe I'll regain my sense of optimism and remember that all of these things are and always will be my history but that I don't have to let them define me, especially since they are things that have nothing to do with who I am. For now, I'm going to take a hot bath and use my eucalyptus spearmint sugar scrub for stress relief that my best friend gave to me last Christmas (or was it my birthday?...), read my Bible, and do a ton on praying that through Christ and determination I will discover the happiness and passion for life that I had as a young girl. Jesus, take the wheel. Title credit: "A Decade under the Influence" by Taking Back Sunday >>>I only just realized how befitting that song's title is for this post.