2012

Happy New Year!
It's so crazy to think about how many huge changes are about to take place in my life. On the 10th, I'll be 18. On May 30th, I will graduate high school. More than likely, I will spend my entire summer working at a camp for disabled youth and adults. 2 days ago, I got my 2nd car- this one's not a hoopti! Crazy stuff.

On a different note, I want to feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. The man I have feelings for played me, and I've known him for my whole life. I should be in misery right now, but since the initial wave of anger has subsided, I just want to forgive him. I have so much care for him, it doesn't seem to matter that apparently (judging by his recent actions, since he wouldn't give me a straight answer) I don't matter. Maybe it's because of the immense support I'm receiving from my friends, some of whom seem to be more offended than me at this point. I wish I knew what feeling like this means, because I'm pretty damn sure it isn't normal to take it this way. I don't feel like telling my 5 brothers so they can "take care of him", I still want to be his friend, and I am not jealous of the other girls (3 that I know of, not that we were at all exclusive or anything). I'm obviously hurt, and I wish he would at least man up and apologize, but somehow, my feelings for him haven't changed.
Jesus take the wheel.

"Stay Together for the Kids"

It never ceases to amaze me how truly degrading and psychologically scarring divorce is. Not even everyone escapes with no physical deterioration! There are so, so many reasons why couples should avoid divorce, aside from the issue of morality. In my family alone the effects are flooring. My heart breaks every day when I think of my older brothers whom I love so dearly. They're truly amazing, yet they live totally unfulfilled lives. Obviously, no one can say the same thing wouldn't have happened if our parents had stayed together, but I'm pretty damn sure it is the main reason for it. Both have given up not only on the institution of marriage but on love as well. Not to mention, they lost their faith a long time ago. My younger brothers battle depression and aggression and my younger sister simply does not know what it's like to live with a father because she was so young when ours left. Personally, I had to go through anger management and therapy in FIFTH GRADE because I was so angry and depressed. It thoroughly sickens me, almost eight years after the fact, what divorce has done to my family and so many others. If your parents are still together, never take what you have for granted.


Gah! It felt good to rant.